Dr. Asiya Staff asked 2 weeks ago
I understand how deeply those words must have settled in your heart. It is painful when a parent's explanation for the past feels like a justification for a present lack of warmth or attention.
When a mother has children very close together—often called "Irish twins"—she frequently enters a "survival mode" where the needs of the newborn (the brother) naturally take precedence over the slightly older child (you). This can create an accidental but lasting shift in how she relates to each child.
Here is how you can begin to process and deal with these complex feelings:
Acknowledge the "Mother's Guilt": When she denies the meaning of her words, she may be doing so because she cannot face her own guilt. Admitting she treated you differently would mean admitting she "failed" you during that first year, which is a very heavy burden for a parent to carry.
The "Needs" Fallacy: Parents often mistake a child’s self-sufficiency for a lack of need. Because you are "just school-going" and perhaps more independent than your siblings, she may mistakenly believe you don't require the same emotional reassurance.
Separating Worth from Attention: It is vital to realize that her inability to show you equal affection is a reflection of her own limitations and the circumstances of her life—not a reflection of your value. Your brother’s affection and your sister’s university status do not make them more valuable; they simply make them more "visible" in your mother's current worldview.
Communicating the "Now": Instead of confronting her about the past (which she denies), try communicating your present needs. Instead of "You treated me differently then," try: "I feel lonely when you focus on my siblings' needs, and I would love to spend some quality time with you too."
Dealing with these feelings takes time, and it’s okay to acknowledge that your pain is valid even if she denies the cause.
1 Answers
Dr. Asiya Staff answered 2 weeks ago
It seems to me that you are describing the experience of a girl in her early teenage years. You were born, and then immediately after, a brother followed. Your mother gives more leverage to your brother and your other sisters, which makes you feel discriminated against. Because your sister goes to university, your mother feels she needs everything, but she tells you, "What do you need? You just go to school." Meanwhile, your brother gets the natural advantage of being the youngest.
Keep one thing in mind: the middle child is often the one who struggles in exactly this way. Secondly, now that you are growing up, I believe you should move past this issue. Instead of focusing on what you should receive, look at what you should do and what you can give to others. Your mother may or may not be just, but that’s about it—stop discussing this particular matter.
See what you can contribute to your mother’s life, and you will soon move past these feelings. The time has come when they need your good treatment more than you need her constant validation, resources, or facilities. Our entire center of wisdom—our focal point—is how we behave toward others. Whether people do good or bad to you, it shouldn't affect your character. Some children simply take up more of their parents' attention, especially those who are less capable or frequently unwell.
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