Sharing a Painful Truth and Seeking Advice

DWQA Questions › Sharing a Painful Truth and Seeking Advice

Dr. Asiya Staff asked 2 months ago

I want to share a painful truth about my life and seek advice. There is a 13-year age gap between my husband and me, and we are first cousins. He is younger than his two brothers and older than his sister, but he was raised in a way that no responsibility was ever placed upon him, nor was he ever given importance. This is now causing difficulty for me. I have compromised, but I am human, and sometimes I go through a lot of pain. Masha'Allah, we have three children, but he has no relationship with the children, nor does he act as the custodian/provider (Qawwam) of the house. He is unaware of how the household expenses are managed, and he does not maintain the required good relationship ('Ishra) with his parents and siblings. He also does not fulfill the conjugal rights of his wife (Haqq-e-Zaujiat). But what irritates me the most is that he instantly harbors negative suspicion (badgumani) about everyone. He forms a bad opinion about any person or thing. Now, my own tone has become bitter. He will sit quietly, and only when I speak, he will take some action. All of this is now affecting the children. What should I do?

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Dr. Asiya Staff answered 2 months ago

Yes, it is correct that you are facing issues from your husband's side. We keep trying for a very long time for the other person to fix themselves. They don't need to be fixed; you need to change your approach. You are managing three children and compromising on finances as well. Due to all these compromises, you have become distressed; your nerves are getting tired, you have become suspicious (badgumaan), and your tone has become bitter. Due to this, he also becomes suspicious.
Since you are educated, you should read 'The Standard Wife' (assuming the name/concept is known or related to guidance literature). You will understand in English how to place responsibility on the husband in a positive way.
Until a responsibility is placed on someone, and they achieve something by carrying out that responsibility, you have no opportunity to praise them. And we humans thrive on praise. Now, how can praise be secured? First, something must be achieved by him. You are compelled to stay with him, yet boundaries can still be set.
Do not speak ill of yourself. Believe me, you are currently the most precious asset in his life. Limit your availability and focus on working on yourself. Anger and bitterness must be eliminated, because they destroy the relationship, and when the relationship is gone, he will not take responsibility.

Sharing a Painful Truth and Seeking Advice

Dr. Asiya Madani is a highly accomplished professional with a robust background in Islamic Education and English Language and Literature. She holds a Ph.D. in Islamic Educational Psychology, with a focus on students’ active learning and skill development through effective teaching strategies.