Dr. Asiya Staff asked 1 week ago
Ma'am, I have been married for two years and have one daughter. I am seeking advice regarding my husband's use of abusive language when he is angry. For instance, he became volatile because my parents did not bring gifts/food when visiting my mother-in-law in the hospital. He used derogatory slurs like 'kutti, kameeni, kanjer.' He demanded that I apologize while he was enraged; to de-escalate the situation, I said sorry. Despite my apology, he slapped me in front of my sister-in-law and brother's wife. He never apologizes for his actions. When I asked him to promise never to do it again, he gave a disinterested 'okay.'
In a normal mood, he is fine—we go out, have fun, and watch movies. While he is miserly with cash, he does buy the things I ask for.
This physical abuse has happened twice:
The first time was because I was talking to my mother; he hates it and believes she is 'dictating' my life.
The second time was the incident mentioned above.
I am considering leaving the home if this happens a third time. What are your suggestions regarding the anger, the abuse, and my plan?
I hear how painful and confusing this is for you. It is incredibly difficult to reconcile the "fun" version of a husband with the person who uses slurs and resorts to violence. Please know that your feelings of hurt and your instinct to set a boundary are valid.
1 Answers
Dr. Asiya Staff answered 1 week ago
Your husband seems like a good person otherwise, but he acts with hatred and has slapped you twice in front of your sister-in-law and sister. He doesn't give you money directly. However, let me tell you, this behavior will only get worse. Let's talk about a solution—since he has a 'good' side, we can assume we need to work on increasing his goodness and reducing his negativity.
Please understand that leaving the house often makes a man feel 'free' or play the victim; he doesn't focus on his own mistakes then. Call the police—you don't necessarily have to tell him, or you can warn him. Nowadays in Pakistan, Maryam Nawaz has introduced a specific helpline number. If not that, call the police. I have seen in many cases that where the police get involved, the man never raises his hand again. Only the 'stick' (legal fear/discipline) sets a person straight.
Call the police, make some noise (protest), and later you can say, 'I didn't know what else to do, I was so confused.' For this, you must make yourself strong. If you have something in your hand (an advantage or a tool), let him feel the realization that he is wrong. Do not leave the house.
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