Dr. Asiya Staff asked 2 weeks ago
Ma’am, three days ago, a marriage proposal came for me from my paternal aunt’s (Phuppo’s) son. He is five years older than me, and I do not want to marry there.
Previously, my aunt asked for my uncle’s (Chacha’s) daughter’s hand for him, but they refused. After that, she told the whole family that they had 'given' the daughter to her and were now backing out. Following that, in April, that same cousin’s Nikah was fixed/held with another aunt’s daughter (but that seemingly fell through or changed). Now, they have asked for my hand.
The issue is that before even asking us, they told everyone in the family that they were going to take me as a bride so that I wouldn't be able to refuse. When they spoke to my maternal grandmother (Nano), she said it’s the first proposal, so I should accept. My elder sister says if I refuse this, what if no other proposal comes later?
I truly dislike their way of asking; they told everyone beforehand to pressure us into saying yes. Furthermore, although he is my cousin, we have never spoken. I doubt he even prays regularly—perhaps only occasionally. Additionally, I do not want to live in a joint family system, and he seems incapable of making his own decisions.
I don't know if my father will even ask for my opinion or just say yes on his own, but I do not want to marry there under any circumstances. I am currently in my 7th semester. If they pressure me after I refuse, what should I do? They live in a village while I live in the city; I don’t think I can adjust to their environment. There is no privacy, and there is constant, unnecessary interference in every matter.
I want to refuse. I am not mentally ready for marriage for at least another 2-3 years. I struggle with anger management and don’t feel I have the maturity yet to accept the responsibilities of marriage. However, they want the wedding to happen this very year, just as my cousin’s wedding happened this year.
1 Answers
Dr. Asiya Staff answered 2 weeks ago
Firstly, you dislike the way your aunt (Phuppo) asked for the proposal. She first asked your uncle (Chacha), and when they refused, she turned toward you. Everyone knows about the proposal, but you don't want to marry there. You don't want to live in a joint family, your aunt has a very sharp temperament, and you aren't sure what kind of person the cousin is—whether he is practicing his faith or not.
You have mentioned many reasons. Is it that you don't want to get married at all, is the cousin himself the reason, or do you simply dislike the aunt? Is it that you have no issue with either of them but just don't want to move to a village? Until you clear these things up for yourself, you won't be able to make a decision, nor will you be able to talk to your father, because you need to convince him as well. Your clarity is very important.
Do this: take a piece of paper and write down the things you told me about your cousin. Give them marks from 0 to 10. For example, give marks for family background and education out of 4. Just like we judge a student's interest by their percentage—if it's 50%, they aren't interested in studies; if it's 80%, they are very serious. Doing this will be interesting and will give you the clarity you need.
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