Managing Impulses & Healing the Heart

Sister, your problem is precisely that you are facing aggression, so there is aggression within you as well. You don't want to release it—what we call passive aggression is happening to you. Then, that aggression comes out on the children, who also exhibit stubbornness and attitude like adults. All the anger that comes from the in-laws comes out on the children; we hit our children. You are absolutely right that guilt kills you afterwards. Similarly, when your husband says something hurtful, reconciliation happens, but the pain does not go away. That is correct, isn't it? Let me tell you something about the children: you need to sort yourself out first, and your feelings. And let me tell you an even bigger thing: It is largely our fault. We can do what is necessary for them—in terms of strictness and in terms of stepping back from our privileges during reconciliation. We can implement penalties for their stubbornness. If you adopt this approach, it won't be like this. Implementing Penalties for Both Children and Husband You can use small punishments for both children and your husband. For example, your social media time will be reduced, or there will be a financial consequence. Just as we can give small penalties to children, similarly, impose a penalty on your husband when he is not kind to you. Implement a penalty immediately. For example: "If you use abusive words towards me, you will give me 2000 Rs or 5000 Rs," etc. Or, "I will take it [the penalty]." You can say, "I will not attend a certain function," etc. He will see this, and he will keep himself under control. The Red Line for Children You keep saying, "I don't hit the children." No, don't hit. That is the Red Line: Do not hit. If you cannot control the child without hitting, understand that hitting is the weakest possible way to control them. It has absolutely no effect; in fact, it backfires. It demotivates and devalues the child. You need to use methods that are lasting. You will have to plan and use your brain. These are your loved ones; you have to confront their negative energy and outsmart them. This is a war against your lower self (nafs), but how can it be fought without a fight with your husband? I leave this question for you.