Dr. Asiya Staff asked 2 months ago
I want to discuss something very critical with You and I want You to guide me. A man has sent me a marriage proposal. He was my teacher at the academy from 9th grade to 2nd year and after that, he also taught me till my 2nd semester at university. It’s been 5 years since his marriage and he has two daughters. He also has a distant family relation with us and lives in my area, quite close to my house. Everyone, including my family, knows that his wife has a very strange nature. People also know that his marriage is continuing only because of his compromises. Many of my family members’ children have studied from him too — from 9th grade to 2nd year — so my whole family has had a very good relationship with him and everyone always praises him in every way. Now, he wants to marry me. When his wife found out about this, she came to my house and said many wrong things about her husband. When my mother called him to confirm, he said, “You can come to my house and ask me in front of my wife so the truth and lies will become clear before you.” But my mother made him promise not to talk to his wife about it because that would make things even worse between them — so he didn’t say anything to her. Even now, he stands firm on his decision and has told my parents that he will take full responsibility for me, that he will try his best to keep me happy and that he will accept whatever conditions my parents set. However, ever since my family found out that he wants to do a second marriage, they have started thinking very badly of him. They all say the same thing — that they have no personal issue with that man; he is perfectly fine in every way but they cannot accept a second marriage. My parents say, they know very well that man is perfectly fine in Deen, character and financially and can handle the second marriage as well but we can't marry our daughter with the man who has already a wife and children.
I’ve thought a lot about this and I don’t have any issue with him or with being his second wife but I also don’t want to upset my parents. So how can I make them agree?
I'm also doing istkhara.
1 Answers
Dr. Asiya Staff answered 2 months ago
I completely understand your situation and that of your parents. Remember one thing: you also have to release (let go of) some things.
I have no objection to:
You not getting married.
You becoming someone's second or third wife.
Nor to you desiring a man who wants to remarry.
You both like each other. Good, this is a firm ground "to get together."
He says, "My first wife is not good, but I will take full responsibility for you."
May God (Allah) grant you the ability to see the other perspective as well. There is never truly such a thing as "strange nature." Sometimes, our behaviors are just not clicking in certain situations.
We're not good to her; she's not good to us.
It could be the opposite; despite he's bad to his wife, he could be good to you.
Sometimes, the clicking happens in the right place.
Marriage Dynamics are strange and interesting.
In a perfect marriage, which takes time to build on a daily basis:
Your physical needs should be met.
Your values should be shared.
There should be discussion about your projects and finances.
I have a podcast on second marriage on the "Hablullah" channel.
Key Advice:
You have to accept his first wife.
Your parents are not agreeing; try to explain the situation to them.
And keep this in mind: he should provide you with a totally separate residence where his first wife, or anyone else, has no interference.
Because: He has a wife and children, and you have nothing if the marriage doesn't work out.
https://youtube.com/shorts/pQDysIDb8uc?si=xbEjzkdprDFJlhQV
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